Archives for posts with tag: love

Today is Father’s Day.  Don’t worry, I’ve already had my shot of Jack Daniels to honor my padre, at 7 AM too, he would have been proud. Today is Father’s Day and anyone who knows me knows how much I love and appreciate having had Garybdaman as a father for 23 years.  I could go on for days, sharing memories and lessons learned and music and movies and laughter.  My daddy lives on through me and in my heart daily, I don’t need this day to celebrate him.  Every morning I wake up and remember him is a celebration. I’m choosing to honor him by celebrating the women who were most impacted by his life and his loss, my mom and my sisters.  This entry is for them.

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Garybdaman’s influence on us courses through our veins. We all lived in that house, we all got the lectures, we all went to the movies, we all went on the road trips. We all got the playlists, the driving lessons, the lectures.   We all talked about our problems, we all listened to him talk…and talk…and talk. We all got the lectures. I joke, but I see more and more every day how much positive influence my father had on our family in the long run. Whether we wanted to accept it or not, the time he spent talking to us actually prepared us all for life and shaped some of our stronger traits.  I say this because my mother and my sisters are the strongest women I know. Hands down. Rose is the most like him.  She has a simple wisdom, laced with just the right amount of positivity and realness.  She always shoots you straight, knows and accepts who she is and is unapologetic about the fact that pants don’t belong in the household.  Even at a young age, she was tenacious and boy howdy, did I wanna kick her a few times for not playing by my rules, but I appreciate her so much for knowing who she is, what she wants and what she doesn’t want.  She’s Really Rosie, she’s Rosie Real.  She’s quick to fight for what she believes and never hesitates to have an opinion.  Rose is strong, beautiful and innately positive in her outlook on life.  She may be younger than I, but she has taught me so much in the last few years just by fully embracing her Rose-ness.  The level of self acceptance she has at 21 is something Dad didn’t truly achieve until he was close to 50. Thank God, I’m taller than her or else my older sister ego would be bruised by how much I look up to her.

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Now Amber, Amber is so good at so many things, and not so good at a few things.  I admire her for the latter.  Amber has a true curiosity for life and a true beginner’s spirit.  I’ve never met anyone so willing to try everything, from foods, to cultural events, to physical activities.  Now Dad always encouraged us to live our lives to the fullest.  To go away for school, to travel, to go on adventures with our friends because that’s what life was about.  Amber lives this philosophy.  I see her status updates about which new restaurant she tried, which new town she visited on a day trip, which new class she’s taking.  This girl follows through in her curiosities in a way I’ve never seen. She never sacrifices the thrill of learning a new skill out of fear of failure or looking stupid.  She’s confident enough to allow herself time to grow and she takes on new adventures like a wildebeast.  Dad used to do that, but didn’t always have the best track record with the follow through (anyone remember those canoes in the back yard?)  Amber, in all her beauty and wisdom gets things done!  She takes her happiness into her own hands and uses the world as her playground.  She sets an un-ignorable example of taking full advantage of what life has to offer and I love her for it.

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Mama.  Bonnie Fierce. ‘My Mommy is Cooler Than Yours’ is a book I wrote for my mom because it’s true.  She is so cool, so strong, so capable of saving her children when they are in need.  She is a true mama bear and I know that she would cut a b*tch if she had to for us.  I used to think we ruined Mom and Dad’s lives, that we kept them from living their dreams and pursuing something greater in the world, but my mother assured me that wasn’t the case.  Being a parent, an involved, loving, attentive parent can be a difficult yet rewarding job.  My mom did it effortlessly in my opinion. I’ve been talking about Dad’s influence on us and how his hours upon hours of talks helped to make us strong women, but we would be nowhere without Mom.  Mom was the one with the steady income and came to the rescue when Dad’s freelance work wasn’t coming in as frequently.  Money got tight sometimes, but she supported Dad’s artist spirit.  She accepted him and loved him and worked with him as he went from job to job, working for companies and ultimately deciding to go into business for himself.  Success didn’t always come, and she worked hard to support him and us through the tough times.  She didn’t crush his spirit, she worked and kept her faith things would turn around.

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I am very much in the same position my father was in.  I’m an artist.  Translation? I’m broke.  Often.  When I have to ask for rent help, tail between my legs, Bonnie Fierce never gets angry with me.  She supports me.  She encourages me.  She says I’m an investment.  Mom is a rock and as much of an impact my father had on us, I think her impact on him was equally as important.  I couldn’t ask for a better support system, especially since she’s taken on both roles for us.  She always makes us laugh, she’s rarely wearing pants and she’s the coolest.  She’s Bonnie Fierce! Long story short, I love my family.  They are the reason I eventually got out of bed and started living life again.  They are the reason I am who I am.  Without them, I’m nothing. Today is Father’s Day.  Today is family day. Love.

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-Princess Padey

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It’s been a while friends!  And while there is a small amount of guilt in my heart for not writing, there is an even greater amount of joy and elatedness coursing through my veins.  You see, I’ve adopted a few new habits that have brought me to the next stage of my personal growth and evolution.  I’ve learned so many little things that it’s hard to put this entry into one distinct lesson.  But if I could sum it up it would be this:

Lady Lesson #27: Nurture Yourself!

Now I may have said this before, but it is so relevant in my life right now.  Over the past few weeks I’ve really taken the time to accept myself, learn about myself and use that knowledge to blossom into the magnificent being that I am.  The first step for me was to really step back and take some time to be by myself.  At first, that meant watching copious amounts of The Vampire Diaries and browsing my newsfeed every 10 minutes.  Those activities pulled me further away from myself, strangely enough, and by strangely enough I mean I’m not surprised at all.

When I realized how drained I felt from being by myself in that unfulfilling way, I went back to wanting to hang out with people.  That didn’t feed me either as I found myself drowning in self-generated negative energy.  I finally saw that I wasn’t ready to be out in the world around everyone, especially those closest to me, if I couldn’t be a beacon of positivity.  So I decided to spend some time with myself and really, spend some time with me.  Not the computer, not the phone.

I started making to do lists with specific, small tasks that I was happy to do.  If I didn’t get something done, I didn’t beat myself up, I just used it as motivation to do better tomorrow.  I started writing out my life vision every morning and posting it on my wall as a reminder of why I’m doing what I’m doing.
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I started transforming my room into an inspiration haven by posting positive affirmations and images of people, places and things (it’s strange to just call them nouns right?) that I want in my life.  Hell, I’ve been imagining my dream house every morning, specifically the kitchen, living room and sun deck.  I found real estate listings with pictures eerily similar to my imagined home.  So those are going up on the wall, no doubt.

My affirmations:
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I wrote myself a nice big check for 100 Grand.  Just to get in the habit of the big paydays you know.Image 
I see this right when I wake up!  Monte Carlo and winning an Oscar.  How can I not be inspired for the rest of the day?Image

I have spent more time imagining the life I want than I ever have and I am so happy with myself.  Just me.  I feel that my happiness is not tied to anyone else and it’s because I’ve taken the time to be by myself and support myself and surround myself with inspiration and goodness.  I’ve been reading books like A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.  Unlike Facebook, these books feed my growth and it’s real easy to stay on track if your free time is spent watching or reading things that support you in your journey.  I watched The Secret on Netflix instead of an episode of Family Guy.  I learned about the Law of Attraction and boom!  There I was making my vision wall.  There I was watching First Position, a documentary about the largest youth ballet competition in the world, instead of browsing through another Buzzfeed list of 21 Gifs To Waste Your Life Away On.  I became so inspired I broke out my pointe shoes and started to choreograph.  *Word to the wise, a few years out of toe shoes will render your feet kind of useless.  This wasn’t my best idea.  My toes are still bruised.* Long story short, inspiration begets inspiration.

I visited places that I’d always wanted to go to like the Getty Center.  I conquered my fear of going to Millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood (all the celebrities rehearse there, it’s no big deal) and realized that I was in much better dancing shape than I knew.  I auditioned for Disneyland Paris because, why not? I trusted that the choices I was making were the right ones and it outweighed any fear I had.  

I am so confident right now because I can see that I’m on the right path and it’s because I took the time to seek it and to allow it to happen.  I’m following my instincts.  I’m holding myself accountable.  I’m standing up for myself.  I’m following my inspiration.  I’m following my joy.  And it’s because I am finally, truly nurturing myself by taking in only the good.

I’ve found myself grinning wildly for no reason saying “today is amazing!  Thank you Universe!”  I’ve found myself looking in the mirror and saying “I love you!  You are beautiful!  You have so many opportunities and so much potential.  I love you!” And it’s real!  

So a bit of a long one today, but it’s been a long month with a lot of growth.  Thank you for spending a moment with me today.  Go off and find your inspiration!  Tell me about it!  I’m in a sharing mood.  

Until next time.  Love love love.

-Jadey Lady

 

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The end.

Just kidding.  But seriously folks, this is one of the simplest life concepts to grasp.  Loving yourself is the first, if not the most important step towards happiness.  It is also the biggest hurdle to overcome.  Just ask me!  

Lady Lesson #25: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

I am so, freaking mean to myself.  We all know how easily I beat myself up.  I am quick to judge, especially when I’ve made a mistake or failed.  I am very quick to chastise myself and make sure I’m good and punished, yet it’s like choking on nails to tell myself I’m beautiful, or smart.  

Somewhere along the way, I allowed my inner light to dim.  I thought humility was polite and courteous.  “Thank you for the compliment, but you’re mistaken.  Here’s this other problem I’ve invented to prove it to you.”  I got in the habit of putting myself down because I didn’t want to come off as cocky, or arrogant.  I wanted people to like me, so that of course meant staying as far away from arrogance as possible.  Over the years, I’ve grown quiet and diminutive.  I’ve started believing all of the bad things I say about myself.  And now, I hold myself back from many of my hopes and dreams because my confidence is buried beneath the years of “humility.”

In the last year especially, I’ve learned that that sh*t’s gotta stop.  Yesterday.  I live in Los Angeles.  I’m competing with everyone and I’m not even my biggest fan.  What kind of position does that put me in?  Last place from the get-go.  The odds are definitely not in my favor.

My friend had a birthday party and there was this guy who was just dancing his badonk off.  He was absolutely intoxicating to watch.  I tried to figure out what was so special about him and it was definitely his confidence, but equally important was the love he had for himself.  He got a kick out of watching himself in the mirror, he almost had a flirtatious quality, like “yeah, I see you.”  To himself! It was amazing.  Later, when I talked to him he said that he had spent hours in front of the mirror, working on dance moves and praising the things he liked.  He loved his hips and his stomach, so he would practice hip isolations, simply because he liked watching himself.  

I was always the girl in ballet class who avoided the mirror because I hated the way I looked.  I missed out on so many learning opportunities because I was unkind to myself.  I’ve started doing flamenco dancing for a show I’m in and I’ve approached it in a completely open and loving way.  After meeting the dancer, I realized that the only way the technique would look good on me was if I focused on what I loved about myself doing it.  It made a world of difference!  I wish I could convey the powerful feeling I got from just loving what I was doing.  It’s indescribable.

Confidence and self-appreciation is key.  How do you expect to reach any goals if you don’t believe you can do it?  And I mean, truly believe.  Truly, deeply, feel it in your bones, not-even-a-bad-morning-could-shake-you belief.  That’s the type of love that is most important in your life.  The love you have for you.

I woke up this morning and was prepared to  berate myself for all of the things I haven’t accomplished.  For the first time, I stopped myself.  I said “you are not getting out of this bed until you say something nice!”  So I did that.  I complimented myself.  I gave myself a hug.  I looked at uplifting quotes and images.  I even felt compelled to share with a friend.  I feel so much better than I have in recent months and it’s because I made it a priority to start the day off from a place of love and care.  I’ve only been awake for 90 minutes, but I already feel great.  I looked in the mirror and said “you’re beautiful” instead of picking apart my face or judging my body.  I am seeing the positives.  It’s a freaking miracle and I love it.

It’s not easy.  At least it isn’t for me.  I’ve gotten along for so long putting myself down that it feels like a complete lie when I say “I love myself.”  “I appreciate myself.”  “I am a worthwhile human being.”  The hardest part about loving myself is that nothing is getting in my way other than me and my mind.  It’s such a simple command, believe in yourself, but have you ever tried to change your way of thinking?  It’s tough.

But it’s necessary.  

When you stop beating yourself up, you stand a chance at becoming your best self and that is a person everyone can love.

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-Jadey Lady

Good friends are everything. Good friends will get you through the rough times. They’ll bring caramel apple suckers and popcorn to your emergency sleepover. They’ll make you laugh harder than any comedian ever could. They’ll call you out when you’re using your stress as an excuse to be a biatch. They’ll keep you on track with your career goals. They’ll keep you off track with your diet (but if we are being honest, we all secretly love the friend that bakes us cookies).

They’ll climb mountains with you. They’ll complain about it the whole way, but you will too so it works. They’ll celebrate the fact that it’s a Tuesday and they are alive by scarfing down copious amounts of margaritas and tacos. They’ll order a pizza and watch movies you both know by heart, all while offering a brilliant commentary.

They’ll pick you up from airports, train stations, bus stations, your mom’s house. They’ll wait for a tow truck to get your car that just caught on fire. They’ll fly across the country just to see you. They’ll take you to the hospital and they’ll pick up your prescriptions on the way home.

They’ll send you a text when you most need a reminder that you are loved. They’ll teach their babies call you “Auntie” even though there’s not a drop of blood between you.  They’ll put you in their wedding and accept your presence as their gift because a 500 dollar plane ticket and a 200 dress don’t leave much room for spending.

They’ll come to your rescue when you least expect it. They’ll drive from New York to Ohio with your aunt and uncle they don’t really know just so they can support you when you lose a parent. They’ll drop what they’re doing to bake you mini quiches and finish off a bottle of Jack Daniels. They’ll hand over the keys to their apartment without hesitation when you go through a breakup.   They’ll take the phone away from you when you’re too drunk to be calling your parents about it.

They’ll support you until the day they die, regardless of what happened in the past.

They will be there for you through thick and thin.

They will remind you that you are loved and you deserve to be loved.

Lady Lesson #23: Appreciate Your Good Friends.

They are the ones that will be there when everything is wonderful. They are the ones that will be pulling you up when the world drops out from underneath you.  They are your chosen family.

Take care of them.

-Jadey Lady

Recently I came to the conclusion that I had found “The One”. The Ross to my Rachel, so to speak.  Lucky for me, he’s got himself a girlfriend! Even luckier, he and this unknown entity have been parading around my thoughts and haunting my dreams. And they’re both super nice and sensitive to my feelings in my dreams so I don’t even have the satisfaction of being angry about it!  

I’ve been nauseous, like I’m constantly two minutes away from hurling, since my revelation of who he is to me and the subsequent discoveries of who I can’t be to him have not really helped my anxiety.  At all. 

Lady Lesoon #22:  People Ever-changing and You Cannot Possess Them

So I’m in my own romantic comedy right now. Or my own three season love arc on a sitcom. It’s that part of the movie or series where everything goes awry for the main characters. You know everything’s going to be just fine, but you have to get through all of the antics and feelings before they have the wedding of the century that’s all over TV Guide.  

As much as that dream of the big wedding, or even more epic, interrupting the big wedding to say “I object! I should have been with you the whole time, come, let’s drive off into the mountains together”, is, it’s not necessarily true and if it is, it’s not a guarantee. And it definitely doesn’t give me solace in this time of frustration. 

The heart of the matter is that we aren’t at the same place in our lives to be with each other. And as much as I want to, I won’t try to convince him I’m right. He’s his own person and I don’t own him. Regardless of what happens between us, I never will. And I have to accept that. Look, we both have grown a lot, and there’s still more growing to do. To have an expectation that things would just click because “you’re mine and I’m yours” is asinine. 

A lot of my hurt is tied to the deep seated belief/dream I have that we are meant to grow old together. I’ve been unwilling to let go of this dream and every second that takes me further away from it distresses me. I feel entitled to him. What? Now that doesn’t make any sense. Holding on to what can’t exist right now instead of letting the relationship evolve into whatever dynamic it’s going to be only hurts me in the long run. It also prevents me from fully engaging in new experiences. 

Through this I’ve learned patience is key. Not that I’m waiting for him necessarily, just being patient and having faith that life will work out how it’s supposed to. I’ve learned I need to rely on myself and love myself because at the end of the day, I’m the only constant.

Let people evolve. Be it a friend, significant other, family member, whatever. Sometimes they grow into even better versions of themselves. Sometimes they evolve into someone you really don’t like and need to stay away from. Sometimes they can only grow if you aren’t around. Accept it and don’t stress about it. Or at least try not to. 

It’s one of those listen to Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” on repeat kind of days.  But also a Bill Withers “Lovely Day” kind of day.  Everything’s all akimbo.  That’s quite okay.  

-Jadey Lady