When God says write, write.

When your gut says write, WRITE!

So I’m writing. I’m already doubting what may or may not come out here, I’m doubting who will read, I’m already censoring myself for the sake of who may or may not judge me. I’m placing too much value on my perceived reputation.

A hard consideration I’ve encountered is that no one gives a shit. I mean, they give  shit, but not enough to place as much attention on my doings as I assume and fear they are.

So…a rusty foray into the sea of unknowns.

In 2004, I wrote out my life goals on Plight of the Pringles Man, my LiveJournal. For those of you that don’t know, LiveJournal is like WordPress, only deliciously teenaged.

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We live in a much more politically correct world now, so please forgive me for anything uncouth. I was a freshman in high school. If I had a child the day I wrote this, that kid would be 12 and annoying the piss out of me.

In 2007, right before going to college I checked in, just to see how far I had come. You can find it here if you’re curious. But be warned, there are 4 years worth of teenage Jade drama at your fingertips. Thanks LiveJournal!

In the spirit of fun I thought I’d check in again. So here we go.

  • -Be on Broadway – I think…I would still very much like this. But I would also be happy to be onstage with a great cast and crew, regardless of venue
  • -Win an Oscar – I definitely would still very much like this. This is happening. As much as I want to act like I don’t want an Oscar…I do. And Leo DiCaprio will present it to me, like I’ve always imagined…strike that…manifested
  • -Play Velma Kelly and Sally Bowles on Broadway – I actually did perform in Cell Block Tango for a cabaret I was in. So that counts yeah?
  • -Join a ballet company – No thanks!
  • -Choreograph for that ballet company – Now I would love to choreograph a full length ballet, and I will. I have choreographed 2 dance pieces for the LA stage.

*Disregard the following 3 “goals”*

  • -Have sex with a gay man – ummm…Jade…why is this a goal?
  • -Turn a straight man gay – WTF Jade?
  • -Turn a gay man straight – WTAF Jade??


  • -Perfect fouettes – Still a challenge to try
  • -Learn how to shoot – DONE SON!

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  • -Reunite the Spice Girls – You’re welcome.
  • -Be a voice on the Simpsons – Make that Archer or South Park
  • -Host SNL – I’d settle for a seat at the Weekend Update desk. Colin Jost FTW!
  • -Host SNL and be a guest on the Simpsons in the same week – Eh…I wouldn’t be mad about it
  • -Invent a cure for bruised toenails – It’s called set a needle on fire, stab your nail with it, wait until your toenail falls off, avoid flip flops all summer and wait for it to grow back
  • -Go to college – Well whaddya know I did something!
  • -Have 3 kids – Not yet! But two of them have names already
  • -Marry someone splendid – DONE SON!

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  • -Buy a house on the beach – We live in LA, we’re close!
  • -Leave the country – I went to Mexico on my honeymoon!
  • -Get my lisence and a car – First off Jade, it’s license and second off, DONE SON!
  • -Get a job – …and we somehow come full circle to this goal. I’d like to update this goal to get a job doing what you love to do
  • -Model the wings for Victoria’s Secret – Halloween 2008. It countsScreen Shot 2017-05-19 at 10.27.40 PM.png
  • -Meet Johnny Depp – Update to Leonardo DiCaprio, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper and Jon Hamm (who I was two feet away from once – and yes, he is that handsome in real life)
  • -Go bungee jumping – Pass.
  • -Go water skiing – I actually did once!
  • -Swim with dolphins – who wants to make this happen with me?
  • -Make a zombie movie – Does a movie about cannibals count?Screen Shot 2017-05-19 at 10.35.19 PM
  • -Kill Martha Stewart – Um so glad I didn’t follow through or else we’d never have thisScreen Shot 2017-05-19 at 10.37.25 PM.png